What is lack?

When I left Namibia, it was spring.  I arrived in the U.S. to their autumn.  While I was here, it turned to winter.  Now that I’m going back, it will be summer.  That about sums up the emotional rollercoaster that such a visit can be.  I will admit that the transition home was easier than I anticipated, in some ways, but also as hard as I anticipated, in others.  And harder.

Something I expected to happen, didn’t.  The things I thought would make me happy…my big plans to eat luxurious foods?  Well, most of the time I didn’t even have an appetite, and when I did…they were no big deal.

Then other things that I didn’t know to expect ended up becoming luxuries in themselves: getting in a car all by yourself, driving straight to the destination you choose, putting on music you want to listen to, having a seat belt, knowing there are police around to enforce D.U.I. rules and speed limits….  That is a Godsend.  Now I’ll go back to cramming into the bed of a pick-up truck with nine other adults and everyone’s groceries.

Expectations were thwarted all over the place these past four weeks.  When I went to a coffee shop and noticed that there were about 20 white people and 1 minority person…I didn’t expect to notice that.  I then wondered how that 1 person felt and whether he also noticed.  That was new for me.

My biggest expectation did get fulfilled, though, and that was how family time was so huge, during this trip.  More than any “perk” of American culture.  Yes, it’s great to indulge in strong coffee or buy a leather journal or know what people around me are saying.  But basically nothing compared to what the conversations and walks and games were like, with my family.

I was sad when I flew to Namibia the first time.  I’m sad in a different way as I fly there a second time.  I just hope that I can get outside of myself and be a good teacher to these kids who have already formed a relationship with me and who expect me to come back.  Throughout all these seasons and emotional rollercoasters, I somehow keep forgetting Who I am doing this for.  But as I look to this new year, I think (or hope) that maybe God can transcend my sadnesses and use me in spite of myself.

Catch ya on the flip side.